I was telling a friend about a very dark period of my life a few years ago. Every day after work, I would go to the gym then home and sit in front of the fire all night with a bottle of wine and a Bible. I tried to go into further detail about my routine, explaining that some nights I would go straight to my papasan chair still in my workout clothes, some nights I would never even make it to bed but sleep in the chair instead (it was a comforting place), and some nights I wouldn't even bother with a glass but drink straight from the bottle. My friend was still mulling the ironic combination, though. She repeated, βA bottle of wine and a Bible.β We laughed knowing there was nothing laughable about the situation.Β Β
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So what was so intriguing about it? Why am I willing to share that awful rut in my life with all of you? Because I think we all have experienced that hopeless despair at some point. I think we all know that moment when, even though we know how low we feel, we're steadily thanking God that we can cling to Him. We take comfort in the depth of His love that we're allowed that indulgence, despite how much we do not deserve it. Am I wrong that each one of us is even less deserving than everyone else we know? Do we not all believe deep inside ourselves that, if our community knew us the way we know ourselves, then they would see how much more we really must rely on grace than they do?Β Β
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But, in our moment of despair, we know that God knows that hidden person within us, and He still loves us. We might be torn apart on the inside but we cling to His faithfulness because He never lets us be truly alone, no matter how lonely we feel. So we hold on by our fingernails to His love, the greatest constant in our lives, until finally we feel a firm footing. Then we turn around and cry joyfully and kiss the ground thanking God that He brought us through.Β Β
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So you see - a bottle of wine and a Bible is more than a tragic phase - it's the hope of our faith and proof of His glory. At least for me, itβs symbolic of my journey with Christ. Iβm a sinner. I am more a sinner than I care to admit and I cannot stop being a sinner, but Iβm a sinner holding tight to my Bible. I will not stop asking God to fight the sinner in me for me. And, frankly, a bottle of wine and a Bible makes for really good conversation!