I am a messed up person. Really. A stubborn one, too. But I was thinking the other day that, when my mess seems the worst, God is still there. Not only does He not give up on me but I've been fortunate that I haven't lost my faith in Him in those times either. I give Him credit for that, too. I guess He knows my weaknesses. He knows that I couldn't do it alone. I know it, too – that I couldn’t do it alone – but I’m not sure I act like I know it in the times when I'm not falling apart. I acknowledge always that I am dependent on Him but it’s different to truly feel that dependence.
I don't think I would ever really understand my dependence and His dependability if I didn’t completely fall apart occasionally. The first time I realized that, I suddenly was thankful to be broken.
You know those moments when you realize that someone truly loves you? Not just an obligatory love and not just a casual use of the word but the “Whoa! He just saw me at my worst and he stayed by my side anyway! He went out of his way to do what I should have been able to do for myself because I ran out of strength AND he acted like it was no big deal!!!” kind of love. You know how beautiful and touching those moments are? I wouldn’t know those moments if God hadn’t made me broken.
So, what can I determine from this except that my flaws are not mistakes? Even my weaknesses are part of His plan.
It’s not just His love either. I grew up with my family catching me when I fell and I took for granted they were there. I remember the first time, as an adult, that I let myself trust-fall into my brother. He was there to catch me and I thought, “This guy loves me. I’m letting him see my crazy and he’s taking time to be gentle with me.” I could tell you the same story about so many other members of my family: my sister, my parents, my grandparents, my stepfamily, my aunts & uncles & cousins. And I could tell you that story about friends. In college, one of my best friends forgave me what I found unforgivable in myself because she loved me. I remember thinking, “This girl loves me. I let her see my ugly and she’s wiping the slate clean.” Every time, I thought, “How? How do they know what I thought had to be hidden but they’re not leaving?” And that’s the honest truth.
So… there’s the silver lining. I’ve got ugly and I’ve got crazy in me, and I hate it. I don’t ever want to see that side of me myself, let alone let other people see it. But if I didn’t have it, I wouldn’t know how deeply people care about me. I wouldn’t know how strong my faith is. I wouldn’t know how faithful my God is. I’m not proud of my weaknesses but I’m grateful - that God loved me enough to break me, so that I could feel love.
Wow He is wonderful.
I don’t know if any of this strikes a chord with you. If you’re beating yourself up, though, give you a break. Keep striving to be the best you can be but don’t dwell when you fall short. Love yourself and look around at all those who love you. If you don’t know how much you’re loved, then consider a man 2,000 years ago who died for you, specifically for you. He didn’t just die – He was humiliated and tortured. But He thought you were worth it. He thought you were worth it and He already knew about you, all of you, the good parts and the bad ones. He still loves you today and He’s going to see you to the other side of whatever you’re struggling with. You are never alone.
