Something weird happened to me today. I woke up angry at God. Really angry. Like I didnโt want to read His Word, I had nothing to say to Him, and I didnโt want to visit His house. I was bitter inside.ย ย
Iโve never felt numbness like this inside, and I remember vaguely considering if I hadnโt been close to some spiritual breakthrough yesterday for the devil to be making such a power play today. I remember brushing off that thought because acknowledging it would mean having a conversation with God. I didnโt want that.ย
I remember being confused at my state of mind. I didnโt recognize myself. I seriously considered whether or not to skip the next church service and I really didnโt know why I didnโt want to go. Had I lost my faith, I wondered? Had I decided God didnโt exist? No โ thatโs when I realized I was angry. I told Him so. I told Him I may not have a right but that didnโt change how I feel. I told Him thatโs what happens when you have a relationship with me. I told God exactly how messed up I am, and (rather haughtily) I explained how that mess translates to every now and then putting up with my getting frustrated with you, whether I have any good reason to or not. I told Him about all my earthly relationships and started listing the times I gave a loved one the cold shoulder because I was doing my internal twisting that had nothing to do with them. God listened. I even think I could feel His gaze steady on my eyes as I was talking. Then He said one thing, โIf weโre in a relationship, donโt you think I deserve a chance to talk to you?โย
Hmph. He got me there. I decided I would go to church. I would sit there and see if He could thaw this rock inside of me, as if it were mere ice. But He could wait and talk to me there.ย
A little bit later, I thought again of how unlike myself I was being. I challenged God, โI donโt feel like fighting this. If Iโm going to come out of it, I guess Youโre gonna have to fix it.โ Again, I said this with an attitude not unlike a child who thinks she knows a little something about life. Iโm guessing God listened with the same patient humor as an adult listens to that child.ย
Then I waited. All day I waited to hear something. I waited on some explanation for the way I feel. I waited on a revelation of how Heโd jerk me back into rhythm. I waited, and I was lonely.ย
I was alone โ I shut everybody out today. I couldnโt get my thoughts on conversation while my brain was swirling over this pain inside. I didnโt even realize there was pain inside, though. I shut that out, too. I did make a decision to continue living as a Christian as long as this โconditionโ lasted and somewhere in my memory I recalled someone saying that faith is an action, not a feeling, and I understood that for the first time today. I got a Christian song stuck in my head and I wondered how I would be able to sing it with feeling. I thought of all the times Iโve felt hardship because Iโm trying to live how God wants me to, and I tried to tell myself Jesus faced much harder-ship. I tried to remind myself of all the blessings I have thanks to God but I just feltโฆ nothing. No, actually I felt boredom at hearing the same coaching lines over and over. They were losing their effect.ย
At some point today, I thought of these blogs and my blood ran cold. How on earth was I going to blog with this going on? What could I say?ย
Should I talk about this? To what end? Should I speculate as to the cause? What is the cause? What would be the response? Would I get that knowing look from my friends next time I saw them? That look that is so annoyingly full of pity, concern, and solutions? Would someone think theyโre enough โinโ with me to be the one to approach the subject? Would I frighten my family with talk like this?ย
Somewhere in the tumult of thoughts, I remembered a phrase that has been bouncing around in my head lately: โVulnerable honesty is beautiful.โ As much as I open up in these blogs, I do have my limit and this blog is crossing it. Iโm intentionally crossing my limit because I believe God wants me to. I guess He knows how to use it to grow His kingdom.ย ย
You probably want to know the cause of the funk today. I donโt know. Iโm spread thin every day of my life, I expect too much of myself always, and I spend most of my life feeling guilty that Iโm not doing better. (Please do not comment on this blog with cheerleading) Maybe today I was tired of directing that anger at myself. OR Part of that guilt is that I put a lot of time into responding to my own thoughts that God is stronger than my weakness so itโs okay if I mess up and/or reminding myself that Iโm His creation so be nice to me. Maybe I was fatigued from the constant coaching. OR Iโm a woman and a lot bit nutty so maybe I just woke up in a mood. OR Maybe it was God who was the angry one. I have read that He turns His back on us in anger sometimes, so maybe that numbness and bitterness I felt was His absence. OR Maybe it was just my reaction to the everyday stresses of life. Maybe I cracked today.ย ย
Who knows.ย ย
Hereโs what I do know. I suddenly had a longing to read my Bible a few minutes ago. I missed my God, and I wanted to hear His voice. At that moment, I realized that I really do have a relationship with Him, and one day of refusing to speak to Him was way too much for me. I have tears in my eyes now just writing about the reunion.ย ย
Want to know what scripture I read? It wasnโt what I meant to read when I opened my Bible but I definitely was meant to read it.ย
Pieces from Isaiah 54, NIVย
โ๐๐ช๐ฏ๐จ, ๐ ๐ฃ๐ข๐ณ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฏ, ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ข ๐ค๐ฉ๐ช๐ญ๐ฅ; ๐ฃ๐ถ๐ณ๐ด๐ต ๐ช๐ฏ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ด๐ฐ๐ฏ๐จ, ๐ด๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ต ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ซ๐ฐ๐บ, ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ธ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ญ๐ข๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ณ; โฆ ๐๐ฐ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ข๐ง๐ณ๐ข๐ช๐ฅ; ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ด๐ถ๐ง๐ง๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ด๐ฉ๐ข๐ฎ๐ฆ. ๐๐ฐ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ง๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ด๐จ๐ณ๐ข๐ค๐ฆ; ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ถ๐ฎ๐ช๐ญ๐ช๐ข๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅโฆ ๐๐ฐ๐ณ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ช๐ด ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฉ๐ถ๐ด๐ฃ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ โ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฅ ๐๐ญ๐ฎ๐ช๐จ๐ฉ๐ต๐บ ๐ช๐ด ๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฎ๐ฆ โ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐ฐ๐ญ๐บ ๐๐ฏ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐๐ด๐ณ๐ข๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ช๐ด ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ณ; ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ด ๐ค๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐ฐ๐ฅ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ๐ต๐ฉ. ๐๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฅ ๐ธ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ค๐ข๐ญ๐ญ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฃ๐ข๐ค๐ฌ ๐ข๐ด ๐ช๐ง ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ข ๐ธ๐ช๐ง๐ฆ ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ด๐ฆ๐ณ๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ฅ๐ช๐ด๐ต๐ณ๐ฆ๐ด๐ด๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ด๐ฑ๐ช๐ณ๐ช๐ต โ ๐ข ๐ธ๐ช๐ง๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ฎ๐ข๐ณ๐ณ๐ช๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ฏ๐จ, ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ญ๐บ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ซ๐ฆ๐ค๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ,โ ๐ด๐ข๐บ๐ด ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐๐ฐ๐ฅ. โ๐๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ข ๐ฃ๐ณ๐ช๐ฆ๐ง ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ต ๐ ๐ข๐ฃ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ, ๐ฃ๐ถ๐ต ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฑ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ข๐ด๐ด๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ ๐ธ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฃ๐ณ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฃ๐ข๐ค๐ฌ. ๐๐ฏ ๐ข ๐ด๐ถ๐ณ๐จ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ข๐ฏ๐จ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ง๐ข๐ค๐ฆ ๐ง๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฎ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ข ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ต, ๐ฃ๐ถ๐ต ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ๐ญ๐ข๐ด๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฌ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ด๐ด ๐ ๐ธ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ข๐ด๐ด๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ,โ ๐ด๐ข๐บ๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฅ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐๐ฆ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ฆ๐ณ. โ๐๐ฐ ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ช๐ด ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฅ๐ข๐บ๐ด ๐ฐ๐ง ๐๐ฐ๐ข๐ฉ, ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ ๐ด๐ธ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด ๐ฐ๐ง ๐๐ฐ๐ข๐ฉ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ข๐จ๐ข๐ช๐ฏ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ๐ต๐ฉ. ๐๐ฐ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ท๐ฆ ๐ด๐ธ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฏ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ข๐ฏ๐จ๐ณ๐บ ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ, ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฃ๐ถ๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ข๐จ๐ข๐ช๐ฏ. ๐๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ฏ๐ต๐ข๐ช๐ฏ๐ด ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ฉ๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ๐ด ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ๐ฅ, ๐บ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ถ๐ฏ๐ง๐ข๐ช๐ญ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ ๐ง๐ฐ๐ณ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ช๐ญ๐ญ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ฉ๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฏ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ณ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ข๐ค๐ฆ ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ท๐ฆ๐ฅ,โ ๐ด๐ข๐บ๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฅ, ๐ธ๐ฉ๐ฐ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ด ๐ค๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฑ๐ข๐ด๐ด๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ.ย
Itโs important I think that I make something clear to you. Although youโre reading this with the happy ending, I was ugly today. I was ugly to our Father. I know He can handle it, I know He accepts my apology, and I know He forgives me. Itโs important that you know I was ugly, though, because sometimes youโre ugly, too. Iโm not trying to call you out. Iโm telling you that my happy ending is all glory to God and so is yours. Weโre not ugly anymore because God does the work to clean us and all He sees is His beautiful children. Thereโs nothing we can do that will ever change that. Heโll do all the work โ we just have to let Him.ย
(๐ฐ๐ณ๐ช๐จ๐ช๐ฏ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐บ ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ด๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ค๐ช๐ณ๐ค๐ข 2014)